4. The addict’s monologue, or, on desire and shadow (a)

How is it possible? Tell me. How? She’s a slut. She’s ruthless, I tell you.

She knows what she wants from me, I’m sure she’s got a plan. She’s playing with me. She’s roasting me.
You remember, I had ended my relationship with her quite some time before. What could I have done? I got tired of her.
I had had enough of her depressions, her existential problems. I had to get out of all this. It was not easy.
She was glued to me and didn’t want to leave me alone. Nevertheless, I finally did it, I kicked her out.

A few months had passed, I was already seeing a few new girls, I was finally free! Until one day,

remember when I called you in a panic, that strange thing happened. I was on holiday. I was sitting, calm and happy, in the garden of the hotel, drinking my coffee, turning the pages of some silly magazine, and all of a sudden, inexplicably, something tremendous burst inside me.
I was fully in love!
An agonizing and absolute Eros stuffed every cell of my body!
I had fallen in love. With whom? With the one I had just kicked out! How is this possible? Can you tell me?
This woman somehow managed to emerge from within me and fill me up. She invaded me totally, in an instant …
The air thickened around me.
I could hardly breathe. I got up, I was pacing back and forth like a beast in a cage, there was no room for me there – that was the moment I called you because I was losing my mind. Since then this wretched woman has been haunting me.

I called her immediately on some stupid pretext. She was cold and distant.

Then I searched for a thousand and one reasons to see her, I had to meet her … You see, she had become  my oxygen. She eventually agreed to meet me. But now I had placed her high and she could look down on me from her throne.
She was distant, cold, indifferent. Since that time I have tried very hard to see her now and then. Now we have something very vague.
I have promised her the skies and offered her the whole world, just to be together again. She resists.
Of course she too wants something from me. She comes round now and then but only “as friends” she emphasizes. Let her say whatever she wants, I am sure she doesn’t know what she wants either.
We’ve even had sex sometimes and it’s like taking my dose. I calm down but only for a little bit.
As soon as she leaves, I start agonizing. I can’t get enough of her. Where will all this go? How far can I fall? At which point of decadence shall I end up?
I even hired a detective to follow her and report to me where she goes, what she does, whom she meets. I spent a ton of money. And let me not forget, I cry ever so often.
I tell you, I brush my teeth in the morning and as soon as I think of her that knot rises in my throat and I immediately weep.

I want her next to me. I’m melting into nothingness without her. What is happening to me?

I want to beat her, while at the same time I need to hug her warmly, protect her, give her everything.
Ah! And I want to have her in bed from morning to night.
Fuck her from everywhere, tear her apart without any mercy.
I mix up words of worship with the harshest and most vulgar words that exist – extreme, I tell you, I scare my own self.
Imagine, even if she just goes to the other room, I feel completely empty, my stomach drops to my knees, I am immediately filled with darkness.
What has happened to me? What should I do? What kind of love is this?




the book NOTES FOR YOU is  a literary – existential

approach to three bewitching phenomena of human existence: eros, love, sexual desire.

Eros, love, sexual desire: 

three autonomous clusters of needs, which although they overlap, cannot substitute for each other – when I drink water, however much I drink I cannot satisfy my hunger. Maybe this is one of the reasons for which, in our days, there are so many myths and misconceptions about our relationships.


NOTES FOR YOU – [notebook A]

INFO: [110 pages]  [17,5Χ22 cm]
1st ed. in English, ISBN 978-618-83861-2-9
[in 100 numbered and signed copies]
ERGASTIRI ENTIPOU publications, 2018

This 1st edition is to be distributed exclusively
in Greece or delivered in other countries only by order to the author:
+30-2310-262872   +30-6977-210469   moc.l1576434264iamg@1576434264uhtso1576434264rtep 1576434264
____

Video in the first person about the coral idea 
and the features of this book

A NON-VERBAL video with images from the
book
 and music from my compositions
“BEATRICE” & “ONAR” 


 

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